Trust, Promises and Commitment

Trust [truhst] noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies

I don't trust people as a general rule. People have to earn my trust. Part of me wants to trust more people but I tend to get hurt by the very people who are suppose to love me, care for me. Maybe that is the problem. Love. It tends to cause me not to think with a wise mind. I tend to be more of an emotional mind and that leads to poor decision making.

People also tend to disappoint me. Maybe I shouldn't rely on people. I really don't like to ask for help. I think it just leads people to say they will do something and then not follow through. I'm really trying to stop believing things, or should I say that people, are this way. But again, it leads to being hurt. I hate being hurt. It tends to piss me off.

prom·ise [prom-is]noun, verb, prom·ised, prom·is·ing.
noun
1. a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one
2. an express assurance on which expectation is to be based: promises that an enemy will not win.
3. something that has the effect of an express assurance; indication of what may be expected.
4. indication of future excellence or achievement: a writer who shows promise
5. something that is promised.

I hate promises. People like to promise they won't hurt you. They won't lie to you. They will always be there for you. Lies, all lies. It hurts to be lied to and it hurts when promises are broken. So stop making promises you don't intend to keep, like, I won't leave you.

com·mit·ment [kuh-mit-muhnt]
noun
1. the act of committing.
2. the state of being committed.
3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
4. a pledge or promise; obligation
5. engagement; involvement

Another thing people love to lie about. It is so damn rare these days when someone truly commits to something or someone. Another thing for people to promise, which leads to lies which leads to hurting someone you are suppose to care about. Another thing that ends up crushing trust.

I guess what I am trying to say is this.

Do not use these words lightly. They have very deep and heavy meaning. Do not ever earn someone trust, with false promises of commitment. I know it seems to be rare anymore for anyone to take these things as seriously as I do. When I make a commitment to someone I really mean it. I don't leave just because things get tough.

I know I have issues, we all do, weather we want to admit to them or not. Am I perfect? Hell no. But I believe in those three words. I think if we all truly believed in those words and used a little empathy for each other the world wouldn't be so damn fucked up as it is now.

I really want someone who believes in trusting someone enough to make a promise not to leave or give up when things get tough. Commit to them to at least give it everything you have before you walk away from something or someone.

I wish I felt like everything that could have been done was. Then I could walk away with my head up and knowing that everything that anyone could do was done, and things just weren't meant to be. But when you give up, shut down and stop talking, well I feel like there is a lot of unfinished business. But I guess that's my issue.

So I guess its time to take myself to bed since I am exhausted and I bet when I reread this later I can't make sense of it.

My theme song - What Hurts The Most

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

(RASCAL FLATTS lyrics are property and copyright of their owners.)

DBT, What is it? and Why I'm doing it.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a form of psychotherapy that was originally developed by Marsha M. Linehan. You can view more of what this is HERE.

The general idea for this is to learn and refine skills in changing behavioral, emotional, and thinking patterns associated with problems in living, that is, those causing misery and distress.

We have states of mind:
1. Reasonable Mind - Operating out of a logical mind
2. Emotional Mind - Operating out of emotion
3. Wise Mind - Using both reasonable and emotional minds to come to a decision.

There are many words to describe the first two, both good and bad. But the wise mind is where we are thinking clearly and we are in touch with our emotions. This is where we make wise decisions.

There are skills that we will learn that will help us use our Wise mind instead of one of the other two. The first two, called "What" skills, that we learned tonight was:

1. Observe - just notice or pay attention or become aware without words. Stick to the facts, avoid interpretations or assumptions.

We can observe inside ourselves and outside ourselves. Inside is physical sensations, thoughts, feelings or emotions. Outside we can observe other people and the environment. You can not read anyone's mind so you do not know what they are thinking or feeling.

Take a moment and try to observe WITHOUT using words.

It's hard isn't it? I think it is.

2. Describe - Put into words what you observed but stick to the facts. Do not use judgmental words, like pretty, ugly, dumb, or smart. Or any other words that make a judgment on something or someone.

Now of course there was a lot more into this than just what I wrote. I just wanted to give a quick overview of what was talked about. (I did take notes :)

We also have to keep a weekly diary log sheet. It helps us to remember our skills and to practice them.

So why do this you ask?

Because I have been stuck in a rut for the better part of 48 years and I'm tired of thinking the same shit over and over again. Something has to give. The way I have been living isn't working for me anymore. So I have to do something to be able to live with myself, without all the, anxiety, anger, doubt, lack of self worth and etc. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I think this will help me. I hope it does. I'm going to try my best to do this. I'm not doing this for any one person, but I am doing it for me.

I am just me

(All of the following conversations are based on my craptastic memory. You have been warned.)

So I had my weekly trip to see my Therapist, Mike, today. He started the conversation about Minnesota passing the law that allows Gays and Lesbians to get married. He asked me, "How does that make you feel?" I had to think for a few moments before I answered. I told him, "It makes me feel liberated."

So we began a conversation about me being a lesbian. He asked what was it like back years ago when you figured out that you were not the accepted standard of the mid 80s. I had to think back what it felt like back then. I remember hiding it from everyone but a few close friends. I was afraid of what they thought. Plus lets face it, I was brought up in the Christian church and being gay is completely frowned upon. I so remember that when I was struggling to come to terms that I "might" be gay.

According to the church I am going to hell. Most people who are Christian think this way. (I say most, I know not everyone does, but remember this was the mid 80s and most did then.) So I struggled with that, on top of what would people would think about me if they found out. There was also fear, guilt and shame involved because of what I perceived other people thinking about me if they knew. It is amazing what our own minds will dream up for us to believe.

So we talked about that and I remember saying, "The one place back then when I felt I could truly be myself was in a gay bar." Because it was the one place that I could hold someone's hand or kiss them in public and not worry about judgment. He asked me if I could truly be me now? I replied with no, not even after all these years. (I am not embarrassed about being a Lesbian but I'm still not comfortable completely I guess) I still hide who I am from a lot of people. I still to this day not even with people I know and who know me, hold someone's hand or kiss them in front of anyone. I can in gay bar, but not sitting in someone's home or definitely not in public. It's funny, I don't want to make them uncomfortable but I will make myself uncomfortable instead. (This goes back to the whole church, fear, guilt, shame that I feel still to this day.)

He asked me, "What would it be like if you could really just be you." I told him, "I really don't know, I never thought it was possible."

"Do you think you would be happy?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure how to get there."

He told me to keep in mind that it really doesn't fucking matter what people think about you. Just be you and be happy with that. He also told me that I was amazing. To have lived through all the things I have and to still be a good person was amazing.

I told him one of the things I wanted from all this was to just be comfortable in my own skin. So he recommended a book, which I am going to have to buy on kindle or get from the library. It is called "Man's search for meaning." by Viktor Frankl. This man was a Jew who survived the concentration camps in WWII. He did it by staying true to himself and not hating his captors. So that's my next thing I need to get. I want to read this. Anyway, I am getting off target.

Towards the end he brought the conversation back to the Gay and Lesbians getting married in Minnesota. He asked again what I thought about it. I actually started to cry a little, as this thought occurred to me. I said, "That wedding that I thought I never could have and a lot of my friends have had, now I can too." I really can now. I matter. My love for another person matters. I'm not a second class citizen anymore. I can have that special day too. Invite my friends and family. And check that DAMN box on my state tax return that say, MARRIED instead of Single. (Because that matters too) And the haters? Well they can just keep on hating cause it makes no difference to me.

And now, maybe, just maybe, I can finally just be me.

Lost

I don't know what to do.

I thought that we would be together the rest of our lives. But now that she is gone I don't know what to do. I'm so lost without her. I don't want to be alone.

I still can't believe she just gave up on me. If you love someone aren't you suppose to not do that? I know I'm a mess but you don't give up on someone you are suppose to love.

I hate this.

Hate it so bad

What am I suppose to do?

Depression

Yes, I have suffered from Depression. I really had no way of explaining what I felt when I was depressed. Until now. A wonderful blog post that a couple of friends on Facebook posted the link to. I read it and she described what I felt like. I had never put it into words but this explains it. Here is the quote.

"The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief. I had always wanted to not give a fuck about anything. I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore.

But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different.

Which leads to horrible, soul-decaying boredom."

Wow, I just am blown away by how accurate this is. I wish no one ever had to experience this.

Here's the link to the blog. Hyperbole and a Half

SOC Sunday.. Dealing

Dealing

Well, I don't deal well with change or much else. That is why I had to seek help. I have been a creature of habit for all of my life. I have always felt like if things are going along the same each day then life must be ok. I've learned that is not the case. I mean I thought Cheryl and I were ok, when in reality she was not happy.

She stayed silent and said nothing to me about being unhappy. So I blindly thought things were ok. Then I finally found out differently. I wish she had told me sooner. I'd rather someone be honest with me then to just let me think everything is fine.

I know the truth hurts sometimes but its better then not knowing.

I feel betrayed

and I don't deal well with that feeling either.

____________________________

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post. (See Jana's page for the code)
Link up your post below.
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Questions

So, since the breakup I have been doing a lot of soul searching. What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? What do I love? Who am I? Right now I still have no answers to any of these questions. Well, actually I do have a few things that make me happy at times. Things like Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, and good friends.

As for the rest I am still trying to figure it out. I know that part of my problems stem from all the bull shit I'm going to have to wade through in Therapy. So far I like going to Therapy. It's nice to talk to someone who really listens and comes up with something I hadn't thought of before. So that's good for me.

I don't think I've ever been really passionate about much of anything. I'm not sure what that means or what it would feel like. As for what I love, well I did (Still do) love Cheryl but that's over so I need to let her go. But what else do I love? I guess maybe my dogs. But that's not really what I mean I guess. I mean what do I love? Is it something material or something intangible? I really have no clue.

As for who I am, I have no idea. I don't guess I've ever really figured it out. Maybe through Therapy I will start to figure it out. I dunno. I think it is why I feel so lost. I don't have any idea who I am.

SOC Sunday.... Home

Home

I'm not sure what that means anymore. It used to be the place that Cheryl and I lived. I used to say my Home is where she is. But I can't say that anymore. I don't really have a place I call home these days. I just have someplace I live.

I guess I could call my hometown home but that's not really it either. I don't feel I have a place to call home anymore. I feel like a drifter or a gypsy or something. I feel out of place no matter where I am. I hate that. It makes me sad. So I avoid thinking about it.

Hopefully one day I can find a place to call home. Until then I guess I will keep drifting, like dust on the wind.

~~~~~~~

My friend Jana over at Jana's Thinking Place does a Stream of Consciousness Sunday.




 So today I decided to play. Its 5 Minutes of writing, and I'm trying to write more.

Torn

I'm torn.

Somedays I want to tell you to go fuck yourself for leaving me. That you told me you wouldn't leave me. But that is exactly what you did. You left and I am devastated. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost and all the dreams I had of us staying together and buying a house and really settling down are gone. On these days I want to tell you that someone will come along and I will forget you. You will become someone I refer as someone I thought I loved.

Then there are days when I want to get on my knees and beg you to take me back. To apologize over and over for the mistakes I made. To try and make you see how much I need you.

And then I realize that even though you say you care about me and still want me in your life some way, I know deep in my heart you have walked away and aren't looking for me anymore. You've already started to forget me. I bet you don't regret leaving me here. I guess you are happy with the way things turned out.

Me, I don't know what to do. I'm so lost without you. I keep trying to put on a brave face, but inside I'm slowly dying.

Lyrics

"Wanted You More" - Lady Antebellum

I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No, I never saw it coming
Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken
I cried for so long
Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs
Now I know just what went wrong

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

All the nights we spent, just talking
Of the things we wanted out of life
Making plans and dreams together
Wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
In the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still, I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

Oh, I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

Today 4-22-13

So, I've started therapy. I have PSTD which manifests itself as depression and anxiety. Today my therapist asked me this question.

"What makes us who we are?"

My reply was "The sum of our experiences."

To which he asked me, "What makes up those experiences?" and I replied, "Our memories of certain events."

He challenged me with this.

(Btw, this was a lengthly conversation to which I am shortening for this blog) Our memories can lie to us. Make us believe things about ourselves that is not true. Especially when we have no one to talk to about them and we feel completely alone. Things like the words, worthless, nobody, not important, coward, powerless, and etc. An experience we have had can make us believe any of those things and more, but it does not make them reality. We are not any of those things. One thing that happened to me doesn't make me worthless, a coward, or powerless.

He told me he thinks these things make up our experiences.

1. Thoughts
2. Emotions
3. Physical Senses

Those three things make up the sum of an experience.

Now this really has me thinking about the memories of an experience that pretty much was the cause of my PSTD. When it happened it made me angry, very angry. But I could not express that anger. So it made me feel powerless. Because I was powerless to express my anger or take it our on the event that caused it, I felt worthless and a coward because I felt powerless to do anything. Do you see the vicious cycle that these thoughts and memories can cause? I had no one I could talk to at the time. I felt like I was the only person to feel that way. I was afraid to talk to anyone.

But now I'm starting reexamine those memories and look at them again. I am not the person I was then. I know in my mind that I am none of those words I used to describe me. What I need to do is get my heart to believe it.

(I won't go into detail of what the cause was, lets just say I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even someone I hate.)

Don't lie to me

You know when you tell me, "I still want you to be in my life." I assume that you at least want to be friends. So when I text you to tell you things and then you purposely ignore me, even telling me the next day that you didn't feel like talking, isn't exactly what I would call wanting to be friends. I'd bet good money you talked to other people so why not just tell me the truth, that you did not want to talk to me. I don't know why I'm surprised, you haven't wanted to talk to me in a very long time. So what is any different now. So I guess I'm just gonna give up and stop trying. You want to talk to me you know how to reach me. I'm sick and tried of being an inconvenience to you.

Broken

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
"Broken" - Seether

Things I want for me.

I want to live and enjoy life.

I pledge to myself to be a better person. To not be angry with the world for my place in it. To live life to the fullest. To be happy. to be content with myself. To be bold when needed and weak when I need that too. To have the confidence I need to be a good person and a good friend. I want to be the friend that I've received from others.

Am i going to be perfect? No I'm not and that is ok too. I will be comfortable with me. I love me for who I am now, not the old me but the new one, the one that is here and now.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. So I say this so that "I" know what I want.

------

I recently went through a break up with my partner of the last 13 years. I am still reeling from it. I have my good days and my bad ones. I am sad pretty much all the time, but I can put on a good face when I need to. I start seeing a councilor tomorrow. Hopefully it will help. I wrote the above because that is what I want I'm just having problems figuring out how to get there.

I don't know what I am suppose to do now. I have no direction in my life. I just go to work, attend my TKD and Jujitsu classes and come home. I was living here in Minnesota because my partner was from here but now I have little reason to stay. But then again, I have no where else to go either. My mother and sister would tell me to just move back home, but there really is nothing there other then family. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to just exist, I want to live but how does someone do that?

I'm so lost and lonely. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok.