29 May 2013

DBT, What is it? and Why I'm doing it.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a form of psychotherapy that was originally developed by Marsha M. Linehan. You can view more of what this is HERE.

The general idea for this is to learn and refine skills in changing behavioral, emotional, and thinking patterns associated with problems in living, that is, those causing misery and distress.

We have states of mind:
1. Reasonable Mind - Operating out of a logical mind
2. Emotional Mind - Operating out of emotion
3. Wise Mind - Using both reasonable and emotional minds to come to a decision.

There are many words to describe the first two, both good and bad. But the wise mind is where we are thinking clearly and we are in touch with our emotions. This is where we make wise decisions.

There are skills that we will learn that will help us use our Wise mind instead of one of the other two. The first two, called "What" skills, that we learned tonight was:

1. Observe - just notice or pay attention or become aware without words. Stick to the facts, avoid interpretations or assumptions.

We can observe inside ourselves and outside ourselves. Inside is physical sensations, thoughts, feelings or emotions. Outside we can observe other people and the environment. You can not read anyone's mind so you do not know what they are thinking or feeling.

Take a moment and try to observe WITHOUT using words.

It's hard isn't it? I think it is.

2. Describe - Put into words what you observed but stick to the facts. Do not use judgmental words, like pretty, ugly, dumb, or smart. Or any other words that make a judgment on something or someone.

Now of course there was a lot more into this than just what I wrote. I just wanted to give a quick overview of what was talked about. (I did take notes :)

We also have to keep a weekly diary log sheet. It helps us to remember our skills and to practice them.

So why do this you ask?

Because I have been stuck in a rut for the better part of 48 years and I'm tired of thinking the same shit over and over again. Something has to give. The way I have been living isn't working for me anymore. So I have to do something to be able to live with myself, without all the, anxiety, anger, doubt, lack of self worth and etc. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I think this will help me. I hope it does. I'm going to try my best to do this. I'm not doing this for any one person, but I am doing it for me.

15 May 2013

I am just me

(All of the following conversations are based on my craptastic memory. You have been warned.)

So I had my weekly trip to see my Therapist, Mike, today. He started the conversation about Minnesota passing the law that allows Gays and Lesbians to get married. He asked me, "How does that make you feel?" I had to think for a few moments before I answered. I told him, "It makes me feel liberated."

So we began a conversation about me being a lesbian. He asked what was it like back years ago when you figured out that you were not the accepted standard of the mid 80s. I had to think back what it felt like back then. I remember hiding it from everyone but a few close friends. I was afraid of what they thought. Plus lets face it, I was brought up in the Christian church and being gay is completely frowned upon. I so remember that when I was struggling to come to terms that I "might" be gay.

According to the church I am going to hell. Most people who are Christian think this way. (I say most, I know not everyone does, but remember this was the mid 80s and most did then.) So I struggled with that, on top of what would people would think about me if they found out. There was also fear, guilt and shame involved because of what I perceived other people thinking about me if they knew. It is amazing what our own minds will dream up for us to believe.

So we talked about that and I remember saying, "The one place back then when I felt I could truly be myself was in a gay bar." Because it was the one place that I could hold someone's hand or kiss them in public and not worry about judgment. He asked me if I could truly be me now? I replied with no, not even after all these years. (I am not embarrassed about being a Lesbian but I'm still not comfortable completely I guess) I still hide who I am from a lot of people. I still to this day not even with people I know and who know me, hold someone's hand or kiss them in front of anyone. I can in gay bar, but not sitting in someone's home or definitely not in public. It's funny, I don't want to make them uncomfortable but I will make myself uncomfortable instead. (This goes back to the whole church, fear, guilt, shame that I feel still to this day.)

He asked me, "What would it be like if you could really just be you." I told him, "I really don't know, I never thought it was possible."

"Do you think you would be happy?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure how to get there."

He told me to keep in mind that it really doesn't fucking matter what people think about you. Just be you and be happy with that. He also told me that I was amazing. To have lived through all the things I have and to still be a good person was amazing.

I told him one of the things I wanted from all this was to just be comfortable in my own skin. So he recommended a book, which I am going to have to buy on kindle or get from the library. It is called "Man's search for meaning." by Viktor Frankl. This man was a Jew who survived the concentration camps in WWII. He did it by staying true to himself and not hating his captors. So that's my next thing I need to get. I want to read this. Anyway, I am getting off target.

Towards the end he brought the conversation back to the Gay and Lesbians getting married in Minnesota. He asked again what I thought about it. I actually started to cry a little, as this thought occurred to me. I said, "That wedding that I thought I never could have and a lot of my friends have had, now I can too." I really can now. I matter. My love for another person matters. I'm not a second class citizen anymore. I can have that special day too. Invite my friends and family. And check that DAMN box on my state tax return that say, MARRIED instead of Single. (Because that matters too) And the haters? Well they can just keep on hating cause it makes no difference to me.

And now, maybe, just maybe, I can finally just be me.

11 May 2013


I don't know what to do.

I thought that we would be together the rest of our lives. But now that she is gone I don't know what to do. I'm so lost without her. I don't want to be alone.

I still can't believe she just gave up on me. If you love someone aren't you suppose to not do that? I know I'm a mess but you don't give up on someone you are suppose to love.

I hate this.

Hate it so bad

What am I suppose to do?

09 May 2013


Yes, I have suffered from Depression. I really had no way of explaining what I felt when I was depressed. Until now. A wonderful blog post that a couple of friends on Facebook posted the link to. I read it and she described what I felt like. I had never put it into words but this explains it. Here is the quote.

"The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief. I had always wanted to not give a fuck about anything. I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore.

But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different.

Which leads to horrible, soul-decaying boredom."

Wow, I just am blown away by how accurate this is. I wish no one ever had to experience this.

Here's the link to the blog. Hyperbole and a Half

05 May 2013

SOC Sunday.. Dealing


Well, I don't deal well with change or much else. That is why I had to seek help. I have been a creature of habit for all of my life. I have always felt like if things are going along the same each day then life must be ok. I've learned that is not the case. I mean I thought Cheryl and I were ok, when in reality she was not happy.

She stayed silent and said nothing to me about being unhappy. So I blindly thought things were ok. Then I finally found out differently. I wish she had told me sooner. I'd rather someone be honest with me then to just let me think everything is fine.

I know the truth hurts sometimes but its better then not knowing.

I feel betrayed

and I don't deal well with that feeling either.


This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post. (See Jana's page for the code)
Link up your post below.
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.


So, since the breakup I have been doing a lot of soul searching. What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? What do I love? Who am I? Right now I still have no answers to any of these questions. Well, actually I do have a few things that make me happy at times. Things like Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, and good friends.

As for the rest I am still trying to figure it out. I know that part of my problems stem from all the bull shit I'm going to have to wade through in Therapy. So far I like going to Therapy. It's nice to talk to someone who really listens and comes up with something I hadn't thought of before. So that's good for me.

I don't think I've ever been really passionate about much of anything. I'm not sure what that means or what it would feel like. As for what I love, well I did (Still do) love Cheryl but that's over so I need to let her go. But what else do I love? I guess maybe my dogs. But that's not really what I mean I guess. I mean what do I love? Is it something material or something intangible? I really have no clue.

As for who I am, I have no idea. I don't guess I've ever really figured it out. Maybe through Therapy I will start to figure it out. I dunno. I think it is why I feel so lost. I don't have any idea who I am.