SOC Sunday.... Home

Home

I'm not sure what that means anymore. It used to be the place that Cheryl and I lived. I used to say my Home is where she is. But I can't say that anymore. I don't really have a place I call home these days. I just have someplace I live.

I guess I could call my hometown home but that's not really it either. I don't feel I have a place to call home anymore. I feel like a drifter or a gypsy or something. I feel out of place no matter where I am. I hate that. It makes me sad. So I avoid thinking about it.

Hopefully one day I can find a place to call home. Until then I guess I will keep drifting, like dust on the wind.

~~~~~~~

My friend Jana over at Jana's Thinking Place does a Stream of Consciousness Sunday.




 So today I decided to play. Its 5 Minutes of writing, and I'm trying to write more.

Torn

I'm torn.

Somedays I want to tell you to go fuck yourself for leaving me. That you told me you wouldn't leave me. But that is exactly what you did. You left and I am devastated. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost and all the dreams I had of us staying together and buying a house and really settling down are gone. On these days I want to tell you that someone will come along and I will forget you. You will become someone I refer as someone I thought I loved.

Then there are days when I want to get on my knees and beg you to take me back. To apologize over and over for the mistakes I made. To try and make you see how much I need you.

And then I realize that even though you say you care about me and still want me in your life some way, I know deep in my heart you have walked away and aren't looking for me anymore. You've already started to forget me. I bet you don't regret leaving me here. I guess you are happy with the way things turned out.

Me, I don't know what to do. I'm so lost without you. I keep trying to put on a brave face, but inside I'm slowly dying.

Lyrics

"Wanted You More" - Lady Antebellum

I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No, I never saw it coming
Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken
I cried for so long
Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs
Now I know just what went wrong

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

All the nights we spent, just talking
Of the things we wanted out of life
Making plans and dreams together
Wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
In the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still, I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

Oh, I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

Today 4-22-13

So, I've started therapy. I have PSTD which manifests itself as depression and anxiety. Today my therapist asked me this question.

"What makes us who we are?"

My reply was "The sum of our experiences."

To which he asked me, "What makes up those experiences?" and I replied, "Our memories of certain events."

He challenged me with this.

(Btw, this was a lengthly conversation to which I am shortening for this blog) Our memories can lie to us. Make us believe things about ourselves that is not true. Especially when we have no one to talk to about them and we feel completely alone. Things like the words, worthless, nobody, not important, coward, powerless, and etc. An experience we have had can make us believe any of those things and more, but it does not make them reality. We are not any of those things. One thing that happened to me doesn't make me worthless, a coward, or powerless.

He told me he thinks these things make up our experiences.

1. Thoughts
2. Emotions
3. Physical Senses

Those three things make up the sum of an experience.

Now this really has me thinking about the memories of an experience that pretty much was the cause of my PSTD. When it happened it made me angry, very angry. But I could not express that anger. So it made me feel powerless. Because I was powerless to express my anger or take it our on the event that caused it, I felt worthless and a coward because I felt powerless to do anything. Do you see the vicious cycle that these thoughts and memories can cause? I had no one I could talk to at the time. I felt like I was the only person to feel that way. I was afraid to talk to anyone.

But now I'm starting reexamine those memories and look at them again. I am not the person I was then. I know in my mind that I am none of those words I used to describe me. What I need to do is get my heart to believe it.

(I won't go into detail of what the cause was, lets just say I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even someone I hate.)

Don't lie to me

You know when you tell me, "I still want you to be in my life." I assume that you at least want to be friends. So when I text you to tell you things and then you purposely ignore me, even telling me the next day that you didn't feel like talking, isn't exactly what I would call wanting to be friends. I'd bet good money you talked to other people so why not just tell me the truth, that you did not want to talk to me. I don't know why I'm surprised, you haven't wanted to talk to me in a very long time. So what is any different now. So I guess I'm just gonna give up and stop trying. You want to talk to me you know how to reach me. I'm sick and tried of being an inconvenience to you.

Broken

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
"Broken" - Seether

Things I want for me.

I want to live and enjoy life.

I pledge to myself to be a better person. To not be angry with the world for my place in it. To live life to the fullest. To be happy. to be content with myself. To be bold when needed and weak when I need that too. To have the confidence I need to be a good person and a good friend. I want to be the friend that I've received from others.

Am i going to be perfect? No I'm not and that is ok too. I will be comfortable with me. I love me for who I am now, not the old me but the new one, the one that is here and now.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. So I say this so that "I" know what I want.

------

I recently went through a break up with my partner of the last 13 years. I am still reeling from it. I have my good days and my bad ones. I am sad pretty much all the time, but I can put on a good face when I need to. I start seeing a councilor tomorrow. Hopefully it will help. I wrote the above because that is what I want I'm just having problems figuring out how to get there.

I don't know what I am suppose to do now. I have no direction in my life. I just go to work, attend my TKD and Jujitsu classes and come home. I was living here in Minnesota because my partner was from here but now I have little reason to stay. But then again, I have no where else to go either. My mother and sister would tell me to just move back home, but there really is nothing there other then family. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to just exist, I want to live but how does someone do that?

I'm so lost and lonely. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok.