22 April 2013

Today 4-22-13

So, I've started therapy. I have PSTD which manifests itself as depression and anxiety. Today my therapist asked me this question.

"What makes us who we are?"

My reply was "The sum of our experiences."

To which he asked me, "What makes up those experiences?" and I replied, "Our memories of certain events."

He challenged me with this.

(Btw, this was a lengthly conversation to which I am shortening for this blog) Our memories can lie to us. Make us believe things about ourselves that is not true. Especially when we have no one to talk to about them and we feel completely alone. Things like the words, worthless, nobody, not important, coward, powerless, and etc. An experience we have had can make us believe any of those things and more, but it does not make them reality. We are not any of those things. One thing that happened to me doesn't make me worthless, a coward, or powerless.

He told me he thinks these things make up our experiences.

1. Thoughts
2. Emotions
3. Physical Senses

Those three things make up the sum of an experience.

Now this really has me thinking about the memories of an experience that pretty much was the cause of my PSTD. When it happened it made me angry, very angry. But I could not express that anger. So it made me feel powerless. Because I was powerless to express my anger or take it our on the event that caused it, I felt worthless and a coward because I felt powerless to do anything. Do you see the vicious cycle that these thoughts and memories can cause? I had no one I could talk to at the time. I felt like I was the only person to feel that way. I was afraid to talk to anyone.

But now I'm starting reexamine those memories and look at them again. I am not the person I was then. I know in my mind that I am none of those words I used to describe me. What I need to do is get my heart to believe it.

(I won't go into detail of what the cause was, lets just say I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even someone I hate.)

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