19 January 2014

Good song

"Far From Home" - Five Finger Death Punch

Another day in this carnival of souls
Another night settles in as quickly as it goes
The memories of shadows, ink on the page
And I can't seem to find my way home

And it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything
To keep me out

All the places I've been and things I've seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people I'll never see again
And I can't seem to find my way home

Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down
Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything to keep me out

[Guitar Solo]

Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down
Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down
To break me down
To break me down
Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down

youtube video

17 January 2014

Song Lyrics

I love song lyrics. Most of the time they are better at expressing my feelings better then I can. They are not complete lyrics, just the parts that really speak to me. Here are some of the good ones.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close,
The devil in you I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal.

But everything changes
If I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel,

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?.
It wouldn't change how you feel.

"Everything Changes" - Staind


Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago....

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.

"Over You" - Daughtry


I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind...

Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No I can't accept the life that's mine

I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone

Me..I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

"Weathered" - Creed


I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

"Snuff" - Slipknot


'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade Away again

"Shimmer" - Fuel

05 July 2013

Trust, Promises and Commitment

Trust [truhst] noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies

I don't trust people as a general rule. People have to earn my trust. Part of me wants to trust more people but I tend to get hurt by the very people who are suppose to love me, care for me. Maybe that is the problem. Love. It tends to cause me not to think with a wise mind. I tend to be more of an emotional mind and that leads to poor decision making.

People also tend to disappoint me. Maybe I shouldn't rely on people. I really don't like to ask for help. I think it just leads people to say they will do something and then not follow through. I'm really trying to stop believing things, or should I say that people, are this way. But again, it leads to being hurt. I hate being hurt. It tends to piss me off.

prom·ise [prom-is]noun, verb, prom·ised, prom·is·ing.
1. a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one
2. an express assurance on which expectation is to be based: promises that an enemy will not win.
3. something that has the effect of an express assurance; indication of what may be expected.
4. indication of future excellence or achievement: a writer who shows promise
5. something that is promised.

I hate promises. People like to promise they won't hurt you. They won't lie to you. They will always be there for you. Lies, all lies. It hurts to be lied to and it hurts when promises are broken. So stop making promises you don't intend to keep, like, I won't leave you.

com·mit·ment [kuh-mit-muhnt]
1. the act of committing.
2. the state of being committed.
3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
4. a pledge or promise; obligation
5. engagement; involvement

Another thing people love to lie about. It is so damn rare these days when someone truly commits to something or someone. Another thing for people to promise, which leads to lies which leads to hurting someone you are suppose to care about. Another thing that ends up crushing trust.

I guess what I am trying to say is this.

Do not use these words lightly. They have very deep and heavy meaning. Do not ever earn someone trust, with false promises of commitment. I know it seems to be rare anymore for anyone to take these things as seriously as I do. When I make a commitment to someone I really mean it. I don't leave just because things get tough.

I know I have issues, we all do, weather we want to admit to them or not. Am I perfect? Hell no. But I believe in those three words. I think if we all truly believed in those words and used a little empathy for each other the world wouldn't be so damn fucked up as it is now.

I really want someone who believes in trusting someone enough to make a promise not to leave or give up when things get tough. Commit to them to at least give it everything you have before you walk away from something or someone.

I wish I felt like everything that could have been done was. Then I could walk away with my head up and knowing that everything that anyone could do was done, and things just weren't meant to be. But when you give up, shut down and stop talking, well I feel like there is a lot of unfinished business. But I guess that's my issue.

So I guess its time to take myself to bed since I am exhausted and I bet when I reread this later I can't make sense of it.

29 June 2013

My theme song - What Hurts The Most

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

(RASCAL FLATTS lyrics are property and copyright of their owners.)

29 May 2013

DBT, What is it? and Why I'm doing it.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a form of psychotherapy that was originally developed by Marsha M. Linehan. You can view more of what this is HERE.

The general idea for this is to learn and refine skills in changing behavioral, emotional, and thinking patterns associated with problems in living, that is, those causing misery and distress.

We have states of mind:
1. Reasonable Mind - Operating out of a logical mind
2. Emotional Mind - Operating out of emotion
3. Wise Mind - Using both reasonable and emotional minds to come to a decision.

There are many words to describe the first two, both good and bad. But the wise mind is where we are thinking clearly and we are in touch with our emotions. This is where we make wise decisions.

There are skills that we will learn that will help us use our Wise mind instead of one of the other two. The first two, called "What" skills, that we learned tonight was:

1. Observe - just notice or pay attention or become aware without words. Stick to the facts, avoid interpretations or assumptions.

We can observe inside ourselves and outside ourselves. Inside is physical sensations, thoughts, feelings or emotions. Outside we can observe other people and the environment. You can not read anyone's mind so you do not know what they are thinking or feeling.

Take a moment and try to observe WITHOUT using words.

It's hard isn't it? I think it is.

2. Describe - Put into words what you observed but stick to the facts. Do not use judgmental words, like pretty, ugly, dumb, or smart. Or any other words that make a judgment on something or someone.

Now of course there was a lot more into this than just what I wrote. I just wanted to give a quick overview of what was talked about. (I did take notes :)

We also have to keep a weekly diary log sheet. It helps us to remember our skills and to practice them.

So why do this you ask?

Because I have been stuck in a rut for the better part of 48 years and I'm tired of thinking the same shit over and over again. Something has to give. The way I have been living isn't working for me anymore. So I have to do something to be able to live with myself, without all the, anxiety, anger, doubt, lack of self worth and etc. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I think this will help me. I hope it does. I'm going to try my best to do this. I'm not doing this for any one person, but I am doing it for me.

15 May 2013

I am just me

(All of the following conversations are based on my craptastic memory. You have been warned.)

So I had my weekly trip to see my Therapist, Mike, today. He started the conversation about Minnesota passing the law that allows Gays and Lesbians to get married. He asked me, "How does that make you feel?" I had to think for a few moments before I answered. I told him, "It makes me feel liberated."

So we began a conversation about me being a lesbian. He asked what was it like back years ago when you figured out that you were not the accepted standard of the mid 80s. I had to think back what it felt like back then. I remember hiding it from everyone but a few close friends. I was afraid of what they thought. Plus lets face it, I was brought up in the Christian church and being gay is completely frowned upon. I so remember that when I was struggling to come to terms that I "might" be gay.

According to the church I am going to hell. Most people who are Christian think this way. (I say most, I know not everyone does, but remember this was the mid 80s and most did then.) So I struggled with that, on top of what would people would think about me if they found out. There was also fear, guilt and shame involved because of what I perceived other people thinking about me if they knew. It is amazing what our own minds will dream up for us to believe.

So we talked about that and I remember saying, "The one place back then when I felt I could truly be myself was in a gay bar." Because it was the one place that I could hold someone's hand or kiss them in public and not worry about judgment. He asked me if I could truly be me now? I replied with no, not even after all these years. (I am not embarrassed about being a Lesbian but I'm still not comfortable completely I guess) I still hide who I am from a lot of people. I still to this day not even with people I know and who know me, hold someone's hand or kiss them in front of anyone. I can in gay bar, but not sitting in someone's home or definitely not in public. It's funny, I don't want to make them uncomfortable but I will make myself uncomfortable instead. (This goes back to the whole church, fear, guilt, shame that I feel still to this day.)

He asked me, "What would it be like if you could really just be you." I told him, "I really don't know, I never thought it was possible."

"Do you think you would be happy?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure how to get there."

He told me to keep in mind that it really doesn't fucking matter what people think about you. Just be you and be happy with that. He also told me that I was amazing. To have lived through all the things I have and to still be a good person was amazing.

I told him one of the things I wanted from all this was to just be comfortable in my own skin. So he recommended a book, which I am going to have to buy on kindle or get from the library. It is called "Man's search for meaning." by Viktor Frankl. This man was a Jew who survived the concentration camps in WWII. He did it by staying true to himself and not hating his captors. So that's my next thing I need to get. I want to read this. Anyway, I am getting off target.

Towards the end he brought the conversation back to the Gay and Lesbians getting married in Minnesota. He asked again what I thought about it. I actually started to cry a little, as this thought occurred to me. I said, "That wedding that I thought I never could have and a lot of my friends have had, now I can too." I really can now. I matter. My love for another person matters. I'm not a second class citizen anymore. I can have that special day too. Invite my friends and family. And check that DAMN box on my state tax return that say, MARRIED instead of Single. (Because that matters too) And the haters? Well they can just keep on hating cause it makes no difference to me.

And now, maybe, just maybe, I can finally just be me.

11 May 2013


I don't know what to do.

I thought that we would be together the rest of our lives. But now that she is gone I don't know what to do. I'm so lost without her. I don't want to be alone.

I still can't believe she just gave up on me. If you love someone aren't you suppose to not do that? I know I'm a mess but you don't give up on someone you are suppose to love.

I hate this.

Hate it so bad

What am I suppose to do?